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| Q&A Time | One-Liner |
Date of publish:
2001-04-26
2001-04-05
2001-01-26
2001-01-11
2001-01-02
2000-10-31
2000-10-28
2000-10-26
2000-10-23
2000-10-17
2000-10-16
2000-10-15
2000-08-10
2000-08-02
2000-08-01
2000-04-14
2000-04-13
2000-03-01
2000-01-24
2000-01-13
1999-12-22
1999-12-09
1999-11-07
1999-10-25
1999-10-06
1999-09-22
1999-08-25
1999-08-23
1999-08-20
1999-08-16
1999-08-07
1999-07-22 Updated with two more jokes after original
publish.
1999-07-20
1999-07-15
1999-07-14
1999-07-12
1999-07-04
1999-07-03
1999-07-01
| Windshield Bug A man and a woman were driving down the road
arguing about his deplorable infidelity. Suddenly, the woman reaches over and slices the
man's penis off. Angrily, she tosses it out the car window. The little girl is just chatting away at her father when, all of a sudden, the penis smacks the pickup on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off. Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?" Not wanting to expose his twelve year old daughter to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey." The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after few minutes she says, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?!!" |
| Three Daughters A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all
getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their
sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from their
honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt. |
| The Confession Henry goes to confession and says, "Bless me
Father, for I have sinned. Last night I was with seven different women." |
| What's for dinner One day, an American was touring Spain. After
a day of sightseeing, he stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he noticed
a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it
look good, the smell was wonderful. |
| A female TV-reporter went to have an
interview with a farmer seeking the main cause of Mad Cow Disease. The Lady: Good evening Sir, we are here to collect information about the reason that causes Mad Cow disease. Do you have any idea what might be the reason? The farmer stared at the reporter and said, Do you know that the bull fucks the cow once a year? The Lady (getting embarrassed): Well Sir that's a new piece of information but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow Disease? The Farmer: Well Madam, do you know that we milk the cow four times a day? The Lady: Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point? The Farmer: I am getting to the point Madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits four times a day and only fuck you once a year, wouldn't you get mad? |
| ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy OFFICE ARITHMETIC SHOPPING MATH GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife
can spend. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a
lot and love him a little. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die. Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
doesn't. A woman has the last word in any argument. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman: |
| A beautiful woman walks into a doctors office and the doctor is
awestruck. All his professionalism goes out the window. He tells her to take off her pants
and he starts rubbing her thighs. He says "Do you know what I am doing?" She replies "Yes, checking for abnormalities." He tells her to take off her shirt and bra and he starts rubbing her breasts. He says "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies "Yes, checking for lumps and cancer." Finally, he tells he takes off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her, and starts having sex with her. He says "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies "Yes, getting herpes. That's why I am here." |
| The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids
together to ask which one should have the present. "Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?" Five small voices answered in unison. "You do, Daddy!" |
| The doctor took his patient into the room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news." The patient said, "Give me the good news." "They're going to name a disease after you." |
| A new pilot took his girlfriend on his first nighttime "solo"
flight. He wanted to be really cool, so as he was approaching the small field to
land, instead of making the usual official requests to the tower, he just said:
"Guess whoooo?" Without missing a beat, the controller switched off the field lights and said: "Guess whereee..." |
| A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband
is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him. "Honey, I know we've been married
for 15 years, but, I want a divorce." The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases. "I want the house also." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 75 mph. "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster and faster, now he's up to 85 mph. "And I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling as the speedometer reaches 90 mph. "You're taking this incredibly calmly," the wife says. "Isn't there anything that you want?" "No, I have everything I need." "What's that?" "The airbag." |
| A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin in
the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and hadn't been seen for five days. The
elderly woman who ran the resort got concerned about the welfare of the newlyweds, and
sent her husband to check on them. The husband knocks on the door of the cabin, and
a weak voice from inside answers. The old man asks, "Are you young folks all right?" "Yes, we're fine," the man answered. We're living on the fruits of love." The old man replied, "I kinda figured that. Say...would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They're choking my ducks!" |
| An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her
Husband's sex drive. 'What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor. 'Not a chance' says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache." 'No problem,' replies the doctor. 'Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.' A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went. 'Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.' 'What happened?' asks the doctor. 'Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible.' 'What was terrible?' said the doctor, 'was the sex not good?' "Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again. |
| A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one
last time for the son they always wanted. Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly ugly baby. He went to his wife and said, "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded, "Have you been fooling around on me?" His wife confessed, "Not this time." |
| My wife came home yesterday and said, "Honey, the car won't start,
but I know what the problem is." I asked her what it was, and she told me there was water in the carburetor. I thought for a moment, then said, "You know, I don't mean this offensively, but you don't know the carburetor from the accelerator." "No, there's definitely water in the carburetor," she insisted. "OK Honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?" "In the lake." |
| RECIPE FOR LOVE: 4 Laughing eyes 4 Well-shaped legs 4 Loving arms 2 Firm milk containers 2 Nuts 1 Fur-lined mixing bowl 1 Firm banana Directions: 1. Look into laughing eyes. 2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms. 3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently until fur-lined mixing bowl is well greased, check regularly with finger. 4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. (For best results, continue to knead milkcontainers.) 5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably not over night). 6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana doesn't soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls. Notes: 1. If in unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use. 2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use. 3. If cake rises, leave town. |
| One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each
other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he
leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?" Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?" Him: "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!" Her: "No way. It's just too risky!" Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?" Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?" Her: "No, no. I just can't" Him: "I beg you ... " Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's little sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, dad says he can come down himself and do it. But for God sake tell the asshole to take his fucking hand off the intercom!" |
| John went to his friend's house unannounced, and he wanted to spend the
night. His friend was sorry that he could not offer him a whole room, so he said, "You can sleep on the floor in the living room, or you can sleep in the room with Baby." John said that he would prefer the floor. The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a gorgeous young blond. "Hi," he said, "Who are you?" "I'm Baby, and who are you?" "I'm stupid," he said. |
| Little Timmy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered
over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely
asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied Timmy tearfully, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Little Timmy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat." |
| Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. - Mark Twain - |
| One night after his evening service, a priest decided to take a walk. A
wrong turn led him into the red light district. On the first corner, he saw a hooker
dressed in a halter and hot pants leaning against a lamppost. Seeing the fallen woman, the priest went up and said, "My dear, I have spent my nights praying for you." "No need to do that, Father," the hooker said. "I'm here every night. You can have me any time you want." |
| I was helping someone set up his computer, and when we came to a screen
where he needed to enter a password, his rebellious attitude kicked in. He keyed in the word, "penis." The program quickly replied, *** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH *** |
| The Brain Surgeon was about to perform a brain transplant. "You have your choice of two brains," he told the patient, "For $1000 you can have the brain of a psychologist, or for $10,000 you can have the brain of a politician." The patient was amazed at the huge difference in price. "Is the brain of a politician that much better?" he asked. The Brain Surgeon replied, "No, it's not better, just unused." |
| A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own
opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.' He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.' The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read... 'MAIN ENTRANCE'. |
| A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the
bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks,
tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. |
| A guy walks into a bar and says "ouch!" |
| Deep Thought: Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver. |
| Men with pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. |
| A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers. |
| Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her
mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life", her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why's the groom wearing black?" |
| Two guys were walking through the jungle. All of a sudden, a tiger appears from a distance, running towards them. One of the guys takes out a pair of 'Nikes' from his bag and starts to put them on. The other guy with a surprised look on his face exclaims, "Do you think you will run faster than the tiger with those?" His friend replies: "I don't have to out run it, I just have to run faster than you." |
| When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his
sleep; Not screaming, like the passengers in his car. |
| We spend the first six years teaching our children to walk and talk, and the next fifteen years telling them to shut up and sit down. |
| A young blonde comes home from school and asked her mother, "Is it
true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their
thingies?" "Yes, dear," replied her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it. The blonde then says "But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?" |
| A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. It happened that the
equipment arrived when his wife was away. So, he decided to test it on himself
first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and...voila, everything else was automatic!! He really had good time as the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, he found that he could not take the instrument off. He read the manual, but did not find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, some made the equipment squeeze, shake, or suck harder or less, but still without success. Panicking, he called the supplier's Customer Service Hotline. The farmer: "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It worked fantastic. But how can I take it off from the cow's udder?" Customer Service: "Don't worry. The machine was programmed such that it will release automatically after collecting about 2 litres of milk." |
| A young man was so paranoid about the size of his penis that he could
never work up the courage to have sex. Then one day he fell in love with a nurse. One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft music and led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of his problem. "Don't worry," She said. "I'm a nurse. I won't laugh." Blushing the man drops his trousers. "It's OK," she said. "I've seen lots smaller than that." "Really?" the relieved man asked. She nodded. "Yes," she chuckled, "I used to work in the maternity unit." |
| A koala bear and a hooker go back to her place and they get undressed.
The koala bear goes down on the hooker... for 3 hours straight. She has multiple orgasms. After three hours he stops, gets up and puts on his clothes. The woman is hanging back huffing and puffing from exhaustion. "Oh God, that was great! Now I need my money." The koala bear just looks at her and shrugs. Then the hooker says, "No, I need my money. I'm a hooker and this is how I make my living." The koala bear just looks at her and continues to put on his clothes. Then the hooker gets up and runs to the bookshelf and grabs a dictionary and thumbs it to..... "HOOKER: person who has sex for money." Then the koala bear turns the page to "koala bear" and walks out the door. The hooker reads: "KOALA BEAR: eats bushes and leaves." |
| Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?" "I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man. "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive." |
| A man is talking to the Lord, trying to understand his eternal nature. "Lord," he asked, "What's a million of years to You?" "A million of years is but a second to me," the Lord explains. "And a million dollars?" "A penny," the Lord replies. The man feels bold and now proceeds to ask, "Lord, would You give me one of your pennies?" "Sure," the Lord replies, "just a second." |
| Q: Did you hear about the blonde bank robber? A: She tied up the safe and blew the guard. |
| Paddy is in the pub with his mate Mick. Paddy is moaning cos he's skint. Mick says he'll give him £50 if he drinks a full bottle of whisky, fight a tiger and shag an eskimo. So Paddy drinks the whisky and goes to the zoo with Mick. He comes out after 20mins covered in scratches and bruises and says to Mick "now where is this Eskimo Ive got to fight"!. |
| One day, Timmy was in his backyard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him, says, "Hey, Timmy, what are you doing that for?" Timmy replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying him." The neighbor notes, "Well, that's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, don't you think?" Timmy glares back. "No, my goldfish is inside your cat." |
| A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor. "You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman. "What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific." The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried. The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, "Are you a natural blonde?" "Why, yes," she said. "I thought so," said the doctor, "You have a broken finger." |
| This lady is shopping in a supermarket when she notices this handsome
muscular boy doing the bagging at one of the checkouts. Making sure she goes through his line she leans over and asks if he'll carry her groceries out to which he responds, "Sure lady". They no sooner get out of the store and she again leans over and whispers, "You know, I have an Itchy Pussy", to which he responds, "You'll have to point it out to me lady, all those Japanese cars look alike!!" |
| A construction worker comes home just in time to find his wife in bed
with another man. Incensed, he drags the man out to the garage and puts his penis in a
vise. He secures it and removes the vise handle, then picks up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screams, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?" The husband shakes his head and hands him the hacksaw. "Nope, you are !....... I'm just going to set the garage on fire." |
| It was late in the evening, and a keep young athlete was
training in the local park, jogging, sit-ups, etc, etc. While he was doing some push-ups a drunk staggered past, saw what he was doing and stopped to watch. The drunk then started to laugh. "What's so damn funny?" Asked the athlete. "Don't look now" the drunk said "But shum buddy shtole your girl" |
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| "My husband has developed a strange sexual practice
recently" said a woman to her friend "He insists on throwing me on the table and
making love after we've finished eating dinner" "That's not so strange" he friend said. "Oh, no ?" said the woman " Try explaining that to the manager at our local McDonalds" |
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| A man walks into a bar with a small tin. He places it on
the bar and opens it in front of the barman. Inside is a spider. "Watch this says the customer" He takes the spider out, places it on the bar and says "Spider, dance." and the spider dances. "Spider turn in a circle" the spider turns in a circle. "Spider jump up and down" the spider jumps up and down. Barman says "that's amazing, do you want to sell it?" Customer says "I can't sell it, it's too valuable" Barman offers him £10,000 for it and the man agrees to part with it. Another customer comes up to the bar as the barman is getting the spider to perform.. "Look at that," says the barman. The man flattens the spider with his fist and says "Damned things get everywhere, don't they." |
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| A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen.". In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathised and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right!" the woman said, "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!" "That's a good idea," the man said, "Here, let me hold your monkey." |
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| The Rules of Bedroom Golf
|
| Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her
mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life.", her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why's the groom wearing black?" |
| A 75 year old woman goes to the doctor and tells him she needs some birth
control pills and the doctor looks at her and says "Ma'am your 75 years old why would
you need birth control pills?" She tells him "You see they help me sleep at night." The doctor is still confused and says "How could they possibly help you sleep at night?" She looks at him and says "Well I put them in my granddaughters orange juice every morning." |
| Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am
Napoleon!" Another one said, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!" |
| When three-year-old opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he
discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. The
Mother was not so pleased. She turned to Grandmom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?" Grandmom smiled and then replied, "I remember." |
| A man's business trip is cancelled and he is at home with a rather
nervous wife. They go to bed, but about midnight, the phone rings. The man rolls over and
answered... "Hello?" "What?" "How the hell should I know, I live in Phoenix." He hangs up and his wife asks, "Who was it dear?" "Just some idiot who wanted to know if the coast was clear!" |
| One day little Susie went into her back yard and found her dog Muffles
lying dead with its legs up in the air. She asked, "Daddy Daddy why is Muffles legs in the air?" Thinking quickly, her dad replied, "This way Jesus can come down and take Muffles to heaven easier." The next day when Susie's dad came home she ran up to him and said, "Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today." Flustered, her father said, "Honey what happened?" And Susie said, "Well Mommy's legs were up in the air and she was screaming 'Oh Jesus I'm coming I'm coming' and if it wasn't for the milkman holding her down she would have been a gonner." |
| "Jane" was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence
that they have sex in the dark. Hoping to free her husband from his inhibitions, during a
passionate evening, she flipped on the lamp--only to discover a cucumber in his hand. Is THIS what you've been using on me for the past 10 years!?!" "Honey! Let me explain!" "Why you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent SOB!!" "Wait a minute! Speaking of sneaky!" he interrupted, "Maybe you'd care to explain our 2 kids!!!" |
| A little boy and a neighborhood girl were playing in her yard, and the
boy was trying to get the best of his new friend. He lifted his shirt, revealing his
nipples, and said sarcastically, "Bet you don't have any of these!" The girl just as quickly pulled her shirt up, and with a big smile, revealed her very own nipples. Unfazed, the boy pointed to his belly button and said, "Well, bet you don't have one of these." Again, the girl laughed and showed the boy she had everything HE had. Then the boy dropped his pants and said, "Oh yea? I bet you don't have one of THESE!? With that the girl ran crying into the house to her mother. The boy, quite satisfied now, continued to play by himself. A few minutes later the girl came back to the yard with a big grin on her face. The boy asked what SHE was smiling about, and she answered, "I told my mother what you said, and she said not to worry." Pointing to the boys crotch, she said, "With what I got I can have as many of THOSE as I want!" |
| A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young
man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman." "What's wrong with that?" asks the young man. Between the sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You can't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love... At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favourite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have a perfect relationship. Why are you crying?" The old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live." |
| A father and his little boy went into a local drug store to pick up a
prescription. While in the store the little boy was looking around and came upon a
rather large display for condoms. The little boy looked at all the brightly coloured
packages and the different types and the different quantities. The little boy went to his father and asked "Daddy, what are these condoms?" The father stuttered, and said "Well, they are for protection from diseases when a man and a woman make love." The little boy contemplated the concept for a few moments and then asked "Then, why do these come in a package of three?" The father coyly answered "Those are for young men in high school. One for Friday night, one for Saturday night and one for Sunday afternoon." "UH-HUH" said the little boy, "then why are these in packages of six?" The father smirked "Those are for young men in college. There are two for Friday night, two for Saturday night and two for Sunday afternoon." "WOW" said the little boy in amazement. He then asked "Well, then why are these packaged a dozen at a time?" The father answered "Those, my son, are for married men. One for January, one for February..." |
| A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.
After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet
or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot answers the guy's question, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot." "Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me." "I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird." "Oh, yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this : how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it cause of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?" "Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy ... and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion." The guy looks at the price tag. $200. He says. "I can't afford that." "Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20, just make an offer." The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathises, gives good advice. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not", says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman..." "What?" says the guy. "What?" "Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth." "What happened then?" asks the guy. "Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot. "My God!!" the guy says. "Then what?" "Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts slowly going down and down..." The parrot pauses for a long time ... "What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy. "I don't know," says the parrot, "My dick got hard and I fell off my perch." |
| A guy is walking along the beach and he stumbles on a Genie Bottle. He
rubs it and out pop two Genies. He makes three wishes. When he gets home, he hears a knock
on the door and outside there are 20 beautiful naked women. Walking back inside he sees a briefcase sitting on his coffee table. Opening it he see $20 million dollars. "Wow, my first two wishes have come true!" he yells. He gets ready to do his thing with the women when he hears another knock on the door. When he opens the door there are two Ku Klux Klan guys. First, they beat the him up, then they tar and feather him. Next, they take him out back and lynch him. When the KKK guys are sure he is dead, they take their hoods off to reveal... the two Genies! The first Genie turns to the second and says, "You know, I can understand his first two wishes, but why would he want to be hung like a black man?" |
| Three engineers were having lunch one day and got into a theological
discussion. The electrical engineer said, "Well God has to be an electrical engineer. Look at the nervous system, how well it works." "No way," said the chemical engineer, "God must be a chemical engineer. Look at how well the circulatory system works." "You're both wrong," said the civil engineer, "Who but a civil engineer would take a great recreation area and put a sewer line through it." |
| Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state
trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that? The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over,you'll have your license ready." Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here." The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick. The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?" The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true." The passenger says, "Huh?" The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road, big mouth, you're gonna say, "I wish that sucker would've tried that crap with me!'" |
| Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female
hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned. |
| Four guys are telling stories in a bar. One guy leaves for a bathroom
break. Three guys are left.The first guy says, "I was worried that my son was gonna be aloser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best frienda new Mercedes for his birthday." The second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a Realtor. Turns out HE got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best frienda new house for his birthday." The third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. My son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. Now, he's so rich that he just gave HIS best friend a million in stock for his birthday." The fourth guy comes back from the can. The first 3 explain that they are telling stories about their kids, so he says, "Well, I'm embarrassed to admit that my son hasn’t done much career-wise. He started out as a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. But I guess his personal life is going OK. He's gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. And to give you an idea just how much his boyfriends like him, check this out: three of his boyfriends just gave him a new Mercedes, a new house, and a million in stock for his birthday!" |
| A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him,"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high... |
Random Thoughts.....
|
| Walking past the big wooden fence around the insane asylum,a guy hears
everyone inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" His curiosity piqued, he finds a hole in the fence and looks inside. All of a sudden a finger shoots through the hole and pokes out his eye,and the inmates start wildly chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!" |
| Two nude statues (one male and one female) had been standingin the middle
of a beautiful park for 99 years. On their 100th anniversary in the park an angel came
down from heaven to talk to the statues. He said to them, "God has been watching you for the past 100 years and has been very pleased with the two of you. So pleased in fact that he has decided to grant you a wish of becoming human for a short time." The angel then went on to say that they would be human for fifteen minutes and will finally be able to pleasure themselves in a manner in which they have only fantasized about for the last 100 years. The statues were so excited they could hardly believe it. The second they became human they ran off together behind the bushes. The angel heard the rustling of the bushesand shouts of joy and laughter. After 10 minutes the statues returned from behind the bushes sweating and laughing. The angel told the statues that they still had 5 more minutes. The male statue quickly turned to the female statue and said, "Cool, this time you hold down the pigeon and I'll crap on his head." |
| A drunk man staggered through the park and saw a young jogger doing
push-ups as part of his warm-ups. The drunk stood there a moment then said, "Wash madder pal ? Lose your girl ?" |
| A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette
with a satisfied smile on it's face and the egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters, to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question..." |
| Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders
mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" "They're mating, Lucy." he replied. "What do you call the spider on top Daddy?" Lucy asked. "Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs." Lucy asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" Daddy replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs." Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. "Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!!" |
| Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign
saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a
harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register. He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep, that's him," he replied. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because"; the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him." |
| A couple comes up to a wishing well. The guy leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a penny. His wife decides to make a wish, too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well, and drowns. The guy says, "Holy S**t, it works!" |
| "Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the
divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week." "That's very fair, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself." |
| A veterinarian had had a really rough day at his office. When he finally
got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink
and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily
to bed. At about 1:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice. "Yes, it is", replied the vet,out of breath. "Is this an emergency?" "Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?" There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied "Open the window and yell that they are wanted on the phone" "Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that will that stop them?" "Should do," said the vet, "IT JUST STOPPED ME!" |
| A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving
down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH!!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road. |
| "Darling, if you kiss me once more I will be yours forever!" "Thanks for warning." |
| A guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day,
he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes a gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!", he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!" Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!" Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?" And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!" |
| A man called into a local radio station and told the "morning
guys" that his wife had given him an ultimatum: until he quit smoking, he wasn't
going to get any sex. They asked him, "How long do you think you'll be able to hold out?" Reply: "Until my girlfriend dies." |
| GOOD, BAD AND WORSE Good : You give the birds and bees
talk to your daughter. |
| A little boy and his grandpa go fishing on the lake one day. The Grandpa takes out a cigarette and lights it. The littleboy asks "Hey Grandpa can I have one?" His Grandpa asks him "Can you're dick touch you're ass" And the boy says "No." His Grandpa says "Than you're not man enough." Grandpa then takes out a beer opens it and takes a drink. The littleboy says "Hey Grandpa can I have some?" His Grandpa says "Can you're dick touch you're ass?" And again the boy says "No." And again is told "Then you're not man enough." The littleboy takes out some chocolate chip cookies And starts to eat them. His Grandpa asks "Hey can I have one?" And the boy asks "Can you're dick touch you're ass?" And the Grandpa says "Why yes it can!" "Good" Says the boy "Then go FUCK YOURSELF Grandma made these for ME!!" |
| A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair
really smells nice. The woman, in a huff, immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains what had occurred. The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, "What's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice." The woman replies, "He's a midget!" |
| Two confirmed bachelors were talking when the conversation eventually
drifted from politics to cooking. The first guy said, "I got a cookbook once
but I could never do anything with it." "Too much fancy stuff in it, eh?", asked the other. "You said it", the first guy replied. "Every one of the recipes began the same way, 'take a clean dish'....." |
| Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal
and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes woke up and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you Watson ?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets." "Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo." "Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three." "Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant." "Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you Holmes ?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, it tells me you're a dickhead. Some bastard has stolen our tent." |
| A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place.... The man says, "What's the problem officer?" Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone." Man: "No sir, I was going 65." Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.) Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light." Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!" Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.) Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt." Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car." Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt." The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!" The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?" The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk." |
| If a cat always lands on its feet, and toast always lands butter side
down. What happens if you put a piece of toast, butter side up, on a cat's back and drop it? |
| Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're okay now. I do whatever the voices in my head tell me to do. How can I miss you if you won't go away? Of course I don't look busy - I did it right the first time. Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths? |
| Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 25 years with only
suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. One day, deep in the wilds, she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting himself into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out in to the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan became aroused. He quickly ran over and kicked her in the crotch really hard. In pain, she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?". Tarzan replied, "Tarzan always check for squirrels first." |
| "I'm telling ya Marge, there's nothing like a five mile jog, then,
an ice cold shower to start your day off in the morning." Marge looked at her obviously overweight friend and replied, "How long have you been doing this ?" "I start tomorrow !" she answered. |
| It was laying limp in my hand. It was very long, kind of thin. I slid it
between my fingers until I got to the end of it. I was turning it on. It became firm in my
hands, and the end was wet. Then it got very hard and began gushing out of the tip. Then I took the garden hose and watered the bushes. What did you think I was on about then ??? |
| A man walked into a bar... The second one saw it and ducked, just in time. |
| A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and
parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats
smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and
let him get some sleep, but they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me," he said, then flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down with all the other bats excitedly milling around him. "Now, do you see that tall tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good," said the first bat, "Because I didn't." |
| What is a cat? + Cats do what they want. + They rarely listen to you. + They're totally unpredictable. + They whine when they are not happy. + When you want to play, they want to be alone. + When you want to be alone, they want to play. + They expect you to cater to their every whim. + They're moody. + They leave hair everywhere. + They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg. Conclusion: They're tiny little women in cheap fur coats. |
| What is a dog? + They follow you around with their tongues out. + They only respond to simple commands. + Their needs are basic and predictable. + They whine when their needs are not met. + They always need to have something in their mouth. + They scratch a lot and sometimes drool. + They make loud noises and sometimes smell bad. + They need to be trained. + You can always tell when one has lived in a house for a long time. + They're rude and rowdy, especially when they're with others like them. Conclusion: They're little men in fuzzy boxes. |
| A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers. The guy
says, "Who is this?" "This is the maid.", answered the woman. "We don't have a maid!" "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house." "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" "Umm .... She's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband." The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" "What do I have to do?" "I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with." The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?" "Throw them in the swimming pool!" "What?! There's no pool here?" Long pause... "Uh .... Is this 832-4821?" |
| What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night? "Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!" |
| A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked
him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?" The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "How do you start a flood?" |
| A little boy about five years old runs into the kitchen, with his hands
cupped in front of him. "Mummy, mummy, is there such a thing as a Mummy-long-leg spiders?" "No Johnny," mum replies, "They're all daddy-long-leg spiders." Upon hearing this, Johnny slams his palms together and mutters "Bloody queer insects!" |
| A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand
still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked... "And where were you when I got married?" |
| Some vampires walk into a bar The head vampire walks up to the bar and
says, "Three glasses of hot water please." The bartender was a bit baffled by the request-figuring of course that the vampires would want a bloody Mary or something-but he said nothing and gave the vampires what they ordered. The vampires went over to a dark corner of the bar and went about their business. The next night the vampires return with the same order. The bartender is getting pretty curious but figures he won't bother asking the vampires about the water. The third night, the same thing. "Three glasses of warm water please." The bartender says nothing at first, but as the evening goes on he just cant get the thought out of his mind. So he finally decides to go over there. He asks, "Why are you vampires always ordering the hot water." The head vampire pulls a used tampon out of his pocket and says, "To make tea" |
| Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or
playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take
a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club. The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you tonight?" His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with." They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?". His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!". "No, no" says Roger "I just know her from volleyball". Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?". His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar. Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and lets Roger have it with both barrels. At this, the cabby leans over and says "Sure looks like you picked up a bitch tonight, Roger!" |
| A zoo acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the
gorilla, a female, became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, a veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed, Burt, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Burt was rumoured to possess ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might entice Burl to satisfy the female gorilla. They approached him with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla for $500? Burt: I might be interested. Let me think it over. He entered the zoo administrators' office the following day. Burt: I accept your offer, but with 3 conditions: 1st, I don't want to have to kiss her. 2nd, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result. The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but inquired about the 3rd condition? Burt: Well, you've gotta give me another week to come up with the $500. |
| It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says. "That's cool." says Bobby. Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. Peggy Sue's father responds "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it." Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says "Whaaaat?" "Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll Screw all night if we let her!" Bobby's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while dad is saying "Have a good evening kids," with a wink for Bobby. About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY! THE TWIST!!!!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!!!" |
| A sweet young thing thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking
military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him when was the last time
he had had sex. "1956," was his immediate reply. "No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Honey, you need to get out more." "I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch. "It's only 2014 now." |
| Two guys immigrate to America. On their first day off the boat they are
wandering around New York City seeing the sights. As lunch time approaches they decide
they are hungry. They then come up to a street vendor selling hot dogs. One says to the other in a shocked tone, "My God. Do they eat dogs in America?" "I don't know!" says the other, equally appalled. "Well," says the first, "we're going to be Americans, so we must do as they do." They approach the vendor bravely. "Two hot dogs, please." The vendor hands them their food in a pair of paper sacks. The two immigrants sit on a park bench to eat their lunch. One looks inside his sack, hesitates and turns to his partner and says, "Uh, which part of the dog did you get?" |
| Don't insult the crocodile until AFTER you cross the river. |
| Have you heard about the new Super Sensitive condoms? They hang about after the man leaves and talk to the woman. |
| A golfer was addressing his ball, getting ready to shoot. As he was about
ready to hit, a voice came over the p.a. system. "Will the gentleman on the ladies tee please move back to the men's tee". He looked up and then resumed addressing the ball again. The voice again- "Will the Man on the Red tees move back to the White Tees"!! He looked back at the starters shack and said, "Will the man on the p.a. shut up so that the man on the ladies tee can hit his second shot". |
| The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'" A small voice, Johnny's, at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; ...she's dead." |
| 1999-07-01 |
| There was a man called him Jim, who lived near a
river. Jim was a very religious man. One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat comes along and tells Jim to get in the boat with him. Jim says "No, that's ok. God will take care of me." So, the man in the boat drives off. The water rises, so Jim climbs onto his roof. At that time, another boat comes along and the person in that one tells Jim to get in. Jim replies, "No, that's ok. God will take care of me." The person in the boat then leaves. The water rises even more, and Jim climbs on his chimney. Then a helicopter comes and lowers a ladder. The woman in the helicopter tells Jim to climb up the ladder and get in. Jim tells her "That's ok." The woman says "Are you sure?" Jim says, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me. Finally, the water rises too high and Jim drowns. Jim gets up to Heaven and is face-to-face with God. Jim says to God "You told me you would take care of me! What happened?" God replied "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?" |
| A young executive was leaving the office late one
evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his
hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy." |
| Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?" |
| Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he
thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks
when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot, "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus." |
| A man comes home from work one day and he says to
his wife: "Honey, I got a new secretary. And imagine what happened! She's got a red and white bra. You know, these are the colors of my favorite football team. Anyway, it's not a big deal but it feels good." The next day when they come home his wife asks, "How was your day?" The man says: "Fantastic! It's not only her bra that is red and white but also her panties. You know it's not a big deal but it really feels good!" The third day they meet at home after work and now the man asks his wife, "And what happened today in your office, honey?" She says, "Oh, nothing special, sweetheart. I got a new boss today. His dick is two inches longer than yours. You know it's not a big deal but, it feels good!" |
| A kid comes home from school with a writing
assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and says, "I'll demonstrate it for you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned." The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would." Then he goes to his sisters room and asks, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!" The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two tramps." |
This page was last updated 2003-08-27